My mother tried to befriend me a few hours after her comment, as she always does after she says something to upset me. I told her off.

I said that she couldn’t have it both ways, that she couldn’t put me down then act like we’re friends. That she couldn’t be both my enemy and my friend. I said that she was a drama queen; that it was all about her feelings, not mine. I said that she took me for granted. I said that there were no children in our house, we were all adults and that I should be treated as such.

I don’t know if she really heard what I was saying, but it was good to actually speak my mind for once.

I bought a few newspapers from the corner shop this afternoon and have been looking at rental accommodation. I’d love to have a one bedroom flat, or at least a self-contained studio. I don’t know if I’d be comfortable in a room in a shared house, but I have to keep my options open.

I’m really apprehensive. Though I’ve wanted to move out for years, I wanted to do it when I had a good, stable income and could get a mortgage on a decent place. Now it feels like I’m repeating the mistake I made 6 years ago, except that I don’t have a boyfriend encouraging me to move in with him this time around.

Perhaps that is the difference. This is something I’m doing alone, for no one else’s sake or benefit. Maybe this is the life change that I need to propel myself forward, once and for all. If it all goes to hell, so be it.

Less than 15 minutes after writing the last post, my mother passed my room. She made a comment about me spending too much time on the computer and how eventually they’ll need a tractor to move me.

I didn’t say anything, but felt even more like a waste of space.

I’ve wanted to be someone else for as long as I can remember. I think that’s even one of my motivations for writing about fictional characters.

Everything about me seemed wrong, even my name invited teasing from my schoolmates. Then I started overeating when I was aged seven, I put on weight and my body developed early. I remember being the tallest person in school when I was ten years old, and I even remember consciously deciding to hunch my shoulders in a silly attempt to hide my chest.

During my teens I would decide to start a diet every Monday, but by Tuesday the diet would be forgotten. I tried eliminating certain foods from my diet, or I allowed myself a little bit of what I liked and found that I couldn’t stop myself once I’d had a bite.

I had a few successes too. In my early 20s I tried Weight Watchers and lost eight pounds in the first week. I lost interest in it after a while though; the meetings bored me and if I didn’t attend them I was effectively paying just to get weighed.

I went to see a Lighter Life counsellor once, but couldn’t afford the fees, and didn’t really feel that eating prepared food packs was going to teach me how to maintain a healthy lifestyle for the rest of my life.

The only times I’ve lost a proper amount of weight were when I was working in a library in 2001 (being a library assistant is actually pretty physical work) and when I went to the gym fairly regularly between 2004-2006, and worked with personal trainers. Even then I still had some weight left to lose, but I felt better about myself.

I read about different strategies for losing weight, but none of them really resonated with me until I read this book called Shrink Yourself. Now I’ve read books about emotional eating before, but this was the first one that really touched on issues that I’d encountered, like self-sabotage. Each time I’ve lost weight I’ve felt that I could reward myself by eating junk food.

That’s one of my biggest problems actually. I reward myself with food for just getting through the day, when I should be rewarding myself in a healthier way for actually achieving something.

I’ve always felt that my life won’t improve until I become slimmer. This belief has held me back from doing a lot of things, and I’m fed up of it.

I’m tired of saying to myself, “When I’m slim I’ll …”

I’m tired of feeling unhappy when I look in the mirror or sit on a packed train.

I’m tired of hiding in the shadows of my life.

I want my looks to reflect my personality. In short, I want to be gorgeous inside and out.

But how will I do it? Have any of you lose weight? Does anyone have any advice?

I haven’t written a post here for just over a week. I’ll talk about my blogging block later, but for now I thought it would be fun to steal a meme called My Mosaic from J.D.’s blog.

1. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
2. Using only the first page, pick an image.
3. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into fd’s mosaic maker.

1. What is your first name? Penny
2. What is your favourite food? Toasted cheese
3. What high school did you go to? Notre Dame
4. What is your favorite color? Purple
5. Who is your celebrity crush? Daniel Craig
6. Favorite drink? Orange Juice
7. Dream vacation? Cuba
8. Favorite dessert? Coconut Ice Cream
9. What do you want to be when you grow up? A Writer
10. What do you love most in life? Meaning
11. One word to describe you. Solo
12. Your Flickr name. nubiana

And here’s a few bonus pics of Daniel Craig, just because.

Yesterday I went to visit my friend in Middlesex, about 2 hours away from where I live. She has two young children and is primarily a housewife, while her hubby works as a computing engineer. I haven’t been seen them for about a year, and though I am always very welcome there, I also feel quite awkward.

When I met my friend, Katsu* at music college, we were both single girls without many responsibilities. Now I’m still single and irresponsible, while she is a married mother of two. She met her husband at church, and they are both committed to their faith.

Near the end of my visit, Katsu asked me about my love life and I said that I wasn’t involved with anyone; she said that I’d meet a “nice, sincere man” in church. Not wishing to be impolite, I simply said, “No, thanks.” And I think that surprised her, as she repeated my words back to me in a quizzical way.

We also had an interesting conversation about the housing market. When Katsu married her husband in 2001 he had a small 1 bedroom flat already. Four years ago, when they decided to start a family they sold the flat and rented a small 2 bedroom house, in the hopes that house prices would fall eventually. I don’t know how much their rent is, but it must be at least £1000/month. She asked me if I was planning to move out of my parent’s house soon, and I explained that I wasn’t able to at the moment due to: a) high house prices, b) the current difficulties in getting a mortgage, c) not being accepted onto the council housing register, and d) my low income. She asked me why I didn’t rent a flat and I basically said that I couldn’t afford to. Then she said that I should have a lot of savings from living at home, so I should be able to live off my savings… I didn’t want to get into an argument, so I just said that I pay rent to my mother and have bills to pay so I’ve haven’t got loads of cash. Then later she said that her husband was in charge of all of their finances, so I guess that she’s doesn’t have to worry about that side of things.

Another reason that I always feel awkward when I visit Katsu is that she always makes a big deal out of my fussy eating habits. I feel like such a complete weirdo when she brings up that subject.

It wasn’t a horrible visit at all though, it just showed me the differences in our lifestyles and perspectives.

I was so embarrassed when Katsu’s 3 year old boy suddenly poked me in the chest and shouted, “Big!” He kept on trying to grope my breasts, and I had to hold him off and tell him not to several times. I guess he’s not used to busty women…