Walking the Plank

Sunday, August 31st, 2008 | Posted in my life

My mother tried to befriend me a few hours after her comment, as she always does after she says something to upset me. I told her off.

I said that she couldn’t have it both ways, that she couldn’t put me down then act like we’re friends. That she couldn’t be both my enemy and my friend. I said that she was a drama queen; that it was all about her feelings, not mine. I said that she took me for granted. I said that there were no children in our house, we were all adults and that I should be treated as such.

I don’t know if she really heard what I was saying, but it was good to actually speak my mind for once.

I bought a few newspapers from the corner shop this afternoon and have been looking at rental accommodation. I’d love to have a one bedroom flat, or at least a self-contained studio. I don’t know if I’d be comfortable in a room in a shared house, but I have to keep my options open.

I’m really apprehensive. Though I’ve wanted to move out for years, I wanted to do it when I had a good, stable income and could get a mortgage on a decent place. Now it feels like I’m repeating the mistake I made 6 years ago, except that I don’t have a boyfriend encouraging me to move in with him this time around.

Perhaps that is the difference. This is something I’m doing alone, for no one else’s sake or benefit. Maybe this is the life change that I need to propel myself forward, once and for all. If it all goes to hell, so be it.

Welcome to the Afterparty

Tuesday, August 5th, 2008 | Posted in real life

The party was okay, slightly better than I expected. I didn’t get any of those comments, though I did receive a few appraising looks from some of the older ladies there. I was on edge all day though, expecting someone to say something. When my godmother spotted me and called me over I was worried, but she only chastised me about not visiting her, then gave me £50 as she used to do when I was younger. I had to accept the money to be polite.

With my brother’s girlfriend and one of my cousins around, I wasn’t the only young woman of ample proportions, which probably stopped me from being a target.

Every so often I would retreat to my bedroom, though I wasn’t always alone in there as my brother and uncle would come up and ask me to burn a dvd or discuss some TV show. My brother’s friend’s wife said that I should have spent more time downstairs, as she’d barely seen me. I felt a bit guilty when she said that, but I honestly felt really uncomfortable trying to socialise with all the people who were around, and had to fight the urge to escape. Also if I hung around downstairs for too long, I ended up becoming a waitress, taking food orders between the domino table and the kitchen.

Talking about the domino game, it was quite amusing when the men moved the table nearer to the house after a while because they were getting bitten by mosquitos!

My dad ruled the turntable with his old school reggae, until my brother slipped in some modern tunes as a respite from the “dead music”.

Although mum was exhausted by the end of the day, she seemed happy with the outcome, which was the most important thing. However, I did cringe a little bit when she mentioned repeating the exercise next year.

Like a Bag of Potatoes

Saturday, August 2nd, 2008 | Posted in Uncategorized

massageI’d love a back massage right now, my body is aching from hoovering the entire house after a long day at work. Of course I should have done it yesterday when I had the day off work, but of course I am Queen Procrastinator and I couldn’t summon the strength to do it at that time.

My bedroom is a tip, well my bed is anyway. I put loads of junk on it to force myself to organise it (i.e. hide it all in the bottom of the wardrobe) for the party tomorrow.

My cousin, M, sent me a text message saying that he’s looking forward to all the good food that’s going to be on offer. I’m glad that he’s coming, as he’s a very cool dude and an ally.

Getting Through Saturday

Thursday, July 31st, 2008 | Posted in my life

For the last few weeks I’ve had a spectre lurking in the corner of my consciousness. My mum has decided to have a garden party for her birthday on Saturday, and I’m dreading it.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for my mother and want her to enjoy her birthday celebrations, but I am not looking forward to spending a whole day socialising with relatives. Being totally honest, I am particularly not looking forward to being ridiculed about my weight. Two years ago my godmother made a comment about my weight, when I was actually the lightest I’d been for many years. Though she’s not a slim woman she felt it was okay to put me down in front of other people. It hurt me that instead of asking about my job or my interests she felt that this was the only thing she wanted to discuss with me.

Now I’m heavier than I was two years ago, and I fully anticipate that she or someone else will say something about it. I need a strategy to get through the day, to ensure that any such negativity doesn’t drive me crazy.

A few days ago I decided to tell my mum that I was happy to help her to setup the party, but I didn’t want to be there when the guests arrived. She was upset, and said that she wanted me to be there. I told her my worries, and she said that if someone says something hurtful to me I should just smile and make a swift exit.

Do you have any suggestions?

Andromeda

Sunday, June 1st, 2008 | Posted in my life

Just a little while ago, while watching Clash of the Titans (1981), my father said to me that if he’d had his way I would have been named Andromeda. Or at least it would have been my middle name.

It’s an interesting name, but I’m not sure how much it would suit me. Or perhaps the name would have bestowed certain qualities on me, perhaps I would feel more like a princess. A princess who was due to be sacrificed due to her mother’s hubris, but a princess all the same.