I had 3 days annual leave from work last week, which gave me about a week and a half off work in total due to my part-time regime. As I had no money and the time off was a last-minute decision I didn’t go anywhere exciting. Most days I just dossed around the house, watching telly, blogging and eating crap (as usual). The days just merged into one long solo slumber party. I did leave the house a few times, though I can’t remember why now.

And I bet that you guys didn’t notice much of a difference. I’m still a damn lazy blogger. I don’t know why you even bother to read this blog: it’s not as funny as Dr M or ES, as aesthetic as BV, as inspiring as SW or AV or AW or LS, as informed as AGD, as sexy as NoS, nor as dismal as that spineless JMC (thank godness). I’m not even a superhero like CI. For a so-called “aspiring writer” I’m not writing much, even my blog posts are rarely more than 100 words.

Oh I know, you just come here for the Sunday soft-porn show - you filthy perverts.

Sorry, I wasn’t supposed to write all of that. Last Thursday I was in such a massive rage, it was bubbling in my stomach like a fizzy lake of acid at the base of a volcano. I swallowed it and gave you all a chance to be rude instead, but as usual the bile which I kept inside still leaked out in tiny puddles of mean (like now, in case you didn’t realise - and I have NOT wet myself!).

You really don’t want me to let it all out at once. I’ve never actually completely lost my temper or released my rage. I think the free world would probably end at that moment. I would turn into some kind of mythological beast and terrorise you all with my two heads and razor-sharp fangs. I would demand daily sacrifices of the young and firm of every land, starting with Paris Hilton and Britney J-Lo. I would vanquish my enemies with fireballs (you first J.D.).

I’d probably look a bit like this, though not as pretty:

So you had all better keep me sweet. Agreed?

And by the way, I hate you all.

This is my Simpsons Avatar. I shall call her Maddie. She would kick your ass as soon as look at you.

Get your own Simpsons avatar.

It’s Wednesday night, so I can safely say that whatever WMD that J.D. launched against me was unsuccessful.

For this reason I am going to reduce this blog’s threat level from Critical (an attack is expected imminently) to Moderate. (an attack is possible, but not likely) And I’ve sacked the bodyguard (or demoted him to boyfriend status anyway).

In Britain the authorities give out Anti-Social Behaviour Orders (ASBOs) to menaces like J.D. Unfortunately they are often brandished as medals of honour by these hoodie-wearing hooligans, but the thought is there.

I have decided that it is my duty as a responsible blogger to give the blogverse’s first ASBO to J.D. for Mac-hatred, preparation or conspiracy to commit a terrorist offence and general acts of deviancy. Let us hope that this badge of shame will encourage him to change his ways for the better.

I sent one of my minions to deliver the ASBO document to J.D. in person and to ask him whether he was ready to apologise, unfortunately his only response was the following lewd gesture:

I’m not worried though, this is just stage one. If he doesn’t play fair I shall simply up the ante. I have friends in high places who aren’t as nice as me…

I AM
65%
JAZZTake the Transformers Quiz

Jazz
Jazz picked his sports car form because it’s the epitome of style. If there’s one thing he digs about Earth, it’s human culture.

Like Jazz, you are good by nature. But beware because mischievous thoughts sometimes tempt you. Your leadership skills are weak at best. You will never be the commander of the Autobots. In addition, you enjoy technology and are aware of the latest trends, but you stick with what works for you.

When it comes to Western action movies, there’s only one man for me. Sure, I’ve enjoyed watching Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Steven Seagal, Chuck Norris, The Rock, Vin Diesel, Dolph Lundgren, etc. but Arnold Schwarzenegger is my king of kick-butt.

Here are 13 movies starring the current Governor of California; which are your favourites? (more…)

Went back to that cafe for lunch. While I was tucking into some spicy chicken and rice a young Chinese woman entered the cafe to sell pirate DVDs.

Dirk called her over to his table (he was eating his own lunch) and browsed her wares. “Do you have any sexy ones?” he asked. She didn’t understand his question and looked at him quizzically. He asked her again a couple more times; eventually she understood and took out at least 50 porn DVDs.

He looked through the pile then asked her if any of the girls looked like me (while pointing at me)! Everyone in the cafe laughed, and I told him to shut up. He repeated the question a few more times, and I asked him if he wanted me to become a porn star! The silly twit just grinned at me. Then he haggled with the dealer to get 5 DVDs for £10 (instead of 3 for £10).

After she left we all somehow got onto the subject of Bruce Lee and ended up watching Enter the Dragon on the telly in the corner. I impressed the guys from the Thai restaurant next door with my knowledge of Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, Sammo Hung, Zhang Ziyi, Michelle Yeoh, and Tony Jaa. It was fun.

Then I went back to work.