My flaky cousin has flaked out on me, so I’m left with a spare ticket for the sold-out New Kids on The Block concert at the London O2 next month. They’re very good tickets (in block B2), so I could easily sell them, but I would still prefer to go if possible. The problem is that most people I know either aren’t fans, or wouldn’t pay £51 to attend.

It’s easier to sell two or more tickets, as most people will go with at least one friend. I guess I’m asking if anyone out there is interesting in buying my spare ticket. I’d be happy to let it go for the original price I paid for it (£45 + £6 booking fee). Leave a comment below or email me asap if you’re interested.

Check out Walmart Soundcheck for a taster of the guys’ performance; there’s a preview clip below.

I haven’t said much on here for a while. I’ve been thinking about this blog and what to do with it. I’ve been struggling with it for months, but I feel like a break from it has given me the space to think about what I want to write about and how I’d like to write it.

In case anyone’s interested, here are a few personal highlights from the last week or so.

Someone offered me a four-figure sum to buy a website I’ve been developing (not this one). I agonised over the offer for a few days (credit card bill), then turned him down. I decided to keep it going, in the belief that I can make more money from it in the long-term. Since I discussed the whole thing with my parents, they haven’t said a thing to me about being on the computer too much. I guess they can see that I’ve been doing something of value on here.

I’ve been offered some other web work by a friend of a friend, which could turn into a regular gig. Looks like this could potentially be my new path. My current goal is to be able to quit the day job and work 100% online.

On Tuesday evening I bumped into my old private French tutor (from 10 years ago) on the way home from work. We decided to go to a nearby pub to have a proper chat. We caught up on each other’s news (he keeps himself very busy as an advocate for all sorts of people in need). I spoke a little bit about my worries about my lack of direction and the way that I often change interests, but he told me not to worry, that he’d been the same in his 20s. He also advised me to take up volunteer work, which is something I’ve considered a few times but haven’t pursued. He’s definitely a force for good.

One of my favourite authors is Valerie Martin. I’ve read several of her novels, but there are a few left for me to discover. A few weeks ago I found 2 of her earlier novels in a discount bookshop near my workplace. I bought them both happily. I started one of them, A Recent Martyr, a few days ago. On the train to work on Friday I reached the end of page 34, which was looking like a really critical scene, and found that the next page was the author’s dedication. After that the novel restarted from page one. I was a bit baffled but just turned to the second “page 34″ again. However the next page was 83, meaning that I’d lost nearly 50 pages! Downcast, I put the book back in my bag and turned to look out of the train window. I’ll go back to the shop with my receipt tomorrow in the hope that they’ll have a normal copy. This reminded me of an art project where this guy left a box marked FREE BOOKS in the street, but anyone taking one of these books would have eventually discovered that the last few pages had been tore out.

I started the second Martin book that I’d bought and discovered that I’d already read it. I’m still re-reading it now as I’ve forgotten most of it. It’s a constant feeling of déjà lu: I recognise the scenes as I read them.

I bought four tickets to the NKOTB concert in January, but decided to resell two of them on ebay because most of my friends weren’t interested. I made about £20 profit, but I was happy to just cover my initial expenditure. A couple of people asked me to end the auction early, but I declined as I usually make more money as a lot of people (smartly) wait til the end to bid. There are loads of people selling tickets for the concert at crazy prices, but I think I did well because my start price was reasonable and I have great feedback.

I also bought tickets to see Robin Thicke in a couple of weeks. I was really gutted to have missed out on his concerts here last year, but I’m looking forward to seeing and hearing him in person. (Just realised that he’s got a new album, how did I not know that?!)

Over the last few years I’ve been cultivating interests that aren’t compatible with my existing network of friends, so I’ve decided to go solo when appropriate. I’m fed up of missing out on things because I’ve been reluctant to attend on my own. As Henry David Thoreau said: “The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.”

My mother tried to befriend me a few hours after her comment, as she always does after she says something to upset me. I told her off.

I said that she couldn’t have it both ways, that she couldn’t put me down then act like we’re friends. That she couldn’t be both my enemy and my friend. I said that she was a drama queen; that it was all about her feelings, not mine. I said that she took me for granted. I said that there were no children in our house, we were all adults and that I should be treated as such.

I don’t know if she really heard what I was saying, but it was good to actually speak my mind for once.

I bought a few newspapers from the corner shop this afternoon and have been looking at rental accommodation. I’d love to have a one bedroom flat, or at least a self-contained studio. I don’t know if I’d be comfortable in a room in a shared house, but I have to keep my options open.

I’m really apprehensive. Though I’ve wanted to move out for years, I wanted to do it when I had a good, stable income and could get a mortgage on a decent place. Now it feels like I’m repeating the mistake I made 6 years ago, except that I don’t have a boyfriend encouraging me to move in with him this time around.

Perhaps that is the difference. This is something I’m doing alone, for no one else’s sake or benefit. Maybe this is the life change that I need to propel myself forward, once and for all. If it all goes to hell, so be it.

Less than 15 minutes after writing the last post, my mother passed my room. She made a comment about me spending too much time on the computer and how eventually they’ll need a tractor to move me.

I didn’t say anything, but felt even more like a waste of space.

I’ve wanted to be someone else for as long as I can remember. I think that’s even one of my motivations for writing about fictional characters.

Everything about me seemed wrong, even my name invited teasing from my schoolmates. Then I started overeating when I was aged seven, I put on weight and my body developed early. I remember being the tallest person in school when I was ten years old, and I even remember consciously deciding to hunch my shoulders in a silly attempt to hide my chest.

During my teens I would decide to start a diet every Monday, but by Tuesday the diet would be forgotten. I tried eliminating certain foods from my diet, or I allowed myself a little bit of what I liked and found that I couldn’t stop myself once I’d had a bite.

I had a few successes too. In my early 20s I tried Weight Watchers and lost eight pounds in the first week. I lost interest in it after a while though; the meetings bored me and if I didn’t attend them I was effectively paying just to get weighed.

I went to see a Lighter Life counsellor once, but couldn’t afford the fees, and didn’t really feel that eating prepared food packs was going to teach me how to maintain a healthy lifestyle for the rest of my life.

The only times I’ve lost a proper amount of weight were when I was working in a library in 2001 (being a library assistant is actually pretty physical work) and when I went to the gym fairly regularly between 2004-2006, and worked with personal trainers. Even then I still had some weight left to lose, but I felt better about myself.

I read about different strategies for losing weight, but none of them really resonated with me until I read this book called Shrink Yourself. Now I’ve read books about emotional eating before, but this was the first one that really touched on issues that I’d encountered, like self-sabotage. Each time I’ve lost weight I’ve felt that I could reward myself by eating junk food.

That’s one of my biggest problems actually. I reward myself with food for just getting through the day, when I should be rewarding myself in a healthier way for actually achieving something.

I’ve always felt that my life won’t improve until I become slimmer. This belief has held me back from doing a lot of things, and I’m fed up of it.

I’m tired of saying to myself, “When I’m slim I’ll …”

I’m tired of feeling unhappy when I look in the mirror or sit on a packed train.

I’m tired of hiding in the shadows of my life.

I want my looks to reflect my personality. In short, I want to be gorgeous inside and out.

But how will I do it? Have any of you lose weight? Does anyone have any advice?

Early this morning I had a dream about vampires, though they weren’t called that in my dream. I won’t call it a nightmare as I did not become a vampiric drinking trough, though it definitely could have gone that way.

I’m going to write a story based around my dream, and see where it takes me.

Every so often, while I was working at the evil uni I would send myself a package of books from Amazon. After I stopped working there and my finances went to hell I stopped treating myself to books from my wishlist on a regular basis.

I’d forgotten how nice it is to receive a massive pile of books, so this morning I revelled in that happy bibliotastic feeling when I received these inspirational texts. Yes, there’s a theme to my selections.

And there’s more to come.

This week is the first of three weeks of annual leave that I’m taking during August. I don’t have any plans to venture abroad during this time, though I could still decide to disappear for a few days to explore a new environment and get away from the familiar.

This week I’ve been lounging around at home, without any deadlines or goals, except a few website-related matters. I’ve exercised three times, which is quite an achievement for me as I haven’t exercised more than once in a week for a year or more.

I had succeeded in completely forgetting about work (except for the burden of looking for a new job) until Wednesday (I think it was Wednesday - after a while all the days start to merge) when my colleague Kay called me to ask if I knew about £70 which was missing from the cashbox. I confirmed that I knew nothing about it, but reiterated that the security of the cashbox needed to be improved. I’ve raised this issue before, but as Kay doesn’t like to change anything she does nothing about it until something like this happens. I’ll finish by saying that before I started working there someone had been stealing hundreds of pounds from the cashbox over an extended period; though the person was apparently identified, they are still working there because they were not caught red-handed. When I found out about it all I was just shocked that access to the cash was so easy - all the counsellors could access it, and the expenditure was only checked by the accountant every few weeks. So you can understand why working there is a bit mental.

Deep breath.

I’ve also caught up with season 3 of Grey’s Anatomy, and watched the whole of season 4. It’s the television equivalent of gorging on a box of Milk Tray chocs.

Last night I watched the last episodes of Grey’s, then turned off my computer and laid down on my bed. I started to think about stuff. Though it was 4am I was very awake.

I started thinking about this video lecture I came across by Randy Pausch, a professor who had months to live about achieving your childhood dreams, and though I found his lecture very inspiring, I considered that perhaps my problem is that I need to let go of some of my childhood dreams. I don’t mean that in a negative way, but I think that my fixation on reaching certain goals has prevented me from making the best of my gifts and the opportunities which have presented themselves to me. I’m working towards a decision, but I’m not ready to voice it yet.

For the last few weeks I’ve had a spectre lurking in the corner of my consciousness. My mum has decided to have a garden party for her birthday on Saturday, and I’m dreading it.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for my mother and want her to enjoy her birthday celebrations, but I am not looking forward to spending a whole day socialising with relatives. Being totally honest, I am particularly not looking forward to being ridiculed about my weight. Two years ago my godmother made a comment about my weight, when I was actually the lightest I’d been for many years. Though she’s not a slim woman she felt it was okay to put me down in front of other people. It hurt me that instead of asking about my job or my interests she felt that this was the only thing she wanted to discuss with me.

Now I’m heavier than I was two years ago, and I fully anticipate that she or someone else will say something about it. I need a strategy to get through the day, to ensure that any such negativity doesn’t drive me crazy.

A few days ago I decided to tell my mum that I was happy to help her to setup the party, but I didn’t want to be there when the guests arrived. She was upset, and said that she wanted me to be there. I told her my worries, and she said that if someone says something hurtful to me I should just smile and make a swift exit.

Do you have any suggestions?

I’m baking right now. It’s so hot and sticky here that I can’t think straight. I’ve got an electric fan but it’s not helping much.

My bedroom’s a tip, and I keep looking at the random crap strewn around the room. It’s nearly 8pm and I haven’t made up my bed.

There are so many things I could write about here, but the urge to blog has disappeared for tonight. I’m hoping that by tomorrow I’ll have sorted my head out.