Wouldn’t that be a hoot? An actual musical theatre production based on Jamaica’s history… I know I’d see it.

Anyway I digress, I’m supposed to be telling y’all about my recent voyage to the mother ship country. I’d made extensive notes during my holiday to faciilitate this process, but it would be boring for us both to rehash all that Day 1/Day 2 crap, so I’m just going to give you the highlights. It’s still going to be quite a long post anyway, I can feel it in my bones…

The Players

Mum: 56, a typical Leo, a spitfire

Lee: 38, my big brother, works with electronics, quick talker, has a girlfriend

Aunt P: late 50s, mumsy, wears bras which don’t hold her up too well…

Uncle C: 71 but looks 10 years younger, married to Aunt P, likes to say stuff which irritates other people

Uncle L: 51, 6ft3 and slim, single, builds PCs for fun

PJ: 27, single, self-conscious, easily-irritated

The flights

• We took Air Jamaica, and it was my first time on that airline. The outgoing flight was pretty rough, and I’m not just talking about the turbulence. I was expecting to have my own personal TV as we were not taking a charter flight, but no, we had to share one of those group TVs which drop down from the ceiling. The featured films were Music and Lyrics with Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore and some old film about Toys starring Robin Williams - WTF, I thought, I am paying for this flight right??
• There was a shortage of the advertised chicken, rice and peas. I think I had fish instead.
• To add insult to injury we were also given cheese and egg sandwiches with mayonnaise….
• There was the obligatory screaming child, plus a strange little boy watching me
• There was a man who reminded me of my dad on the flight. He kept on going to the toilet.
• People kept on getting up while the seatbelt light was on. I kept on getting visions of the plane crash in Lost…
• My relatives seemed incapable of filling out their immigration forms. Uncle L didn’t even bother to read it, and just passed it to my mum. I ended up filling it out to stop my mum from stressing out.
• A woman with a massive butt kept on going to chat with the woman in a nearby seat. I had a great view of that butt, which was encased in a yellow pair of trousers…
• A woman was singing church hymns to herself nearby, which was rather disturbing really.

On the other hand, the staff were lovely on the outgoing flight, they were all mature ladies who made me feel like I was in safe hands. The leg-room in economy was also good, so I didn’t have to get up every time Mum wanted to go to the loo.

On the way back to England the staff (apart from the fit purser) weren’t so friendly. We shown the Doctor Bird flight aerobics, which was fun. I got to try the chicken, rice and peas, which was the nicest plane food ever.

The hotel

We stayed in a hotel in Runaway Bay, St. Ann. It was my first time there, though my mum and aunt had been there before. My room was lovely and large. Here are some pics of my accommodation.

The hotel offered lots of entertainment, both during the day and in the evenings. Here’s a video I made of some Big Mamma dancers who recruited some willing male victims from the audience, my favourite is the little guy in the blue shirt…

I had free Playboy TV in my room, which was rather interesting…the show about MILFs made me feel rather inadequate. I also watched loads of American TV (Fox, TBS, ABC, HBO). I didn’t actually see any Jamaican TV, which was a shame.

The Arguments

There were frequent arguments and explosions of tension, especially during the first week. I guess it’s natural for 6 adults who have not spend much time together to have difficulties in getting on. Those tiffs were so dumb that I can’t even be bothered to write about them here.

Day 8 Rant

On day 8 I hung around the hotel expecting my fem-pen (my period/menstral curse) to descend on me. Here’s a sample of what I wrote in my journal that day.
I hate:

• having to get up at 7am each day for breakfast
• having to be nice all the time
• having to bite my tongue
• having no say
• having the lowest status in the group cos I’m the youngest
• that my purple leather pen was damaged by my ipod speakers
• being hot and sweaty
• having people watching what I eat and what I wear all the time
• all the insects and the bites on my body
• that I only get a few hours sleep per night cos of the loud music outside my window and the early breakfasts so I’m tired all the time
• my dodgy air-con
• being filmed at breakfast or dinner by Uncle C. Who the hell wants to watch me eat??

Funny stuff/People

• Uncle C saw that a woman at a neighbouring table was going commando at breakfast. Of course he didn’t tell the rest of us until she’d departed.
• On day 9 we stopped at a supermarket near our hotel for some shopping. When we returned to the car we saw that someone had parked right behind us, nearly blocking us in though there was a space beside us. A woman was seated in the front passenger seat. Uncle L made a comment on the lack of consideration of some people, and the woman popped her head out of the window and started to cuss us! I’ve never heard so many expletives at one time! My mum told her off and was also cussed out. I couldn’t have that so I shouted at her to “have some class”! As we reversed past the woman, we saw that she had covered her face with a towel and was showing us the finger! It was hilarious!
• On our penultimate day we went to visit my mum’s uncle in the countryside. Some strange old woman turned up to the house while I was sitting on the verandah and asked for my great-uncle. When I went to find him I told him that a lady was waiting to see him. The “lady” heard me say and and said those immortal words, “Lady? Lady? Don’t you know who I am?”
  I looked her in the eye and said, “No. I don’t.”
  A few minutes later she made some bitchy comment about how my jeans were too small for me (actually they were too big and were slipping off my hips). I just ignored her.

Non-Human Encounters

• On day 3 I saw a cockroach in my bathroom. I was using the loo at the time and panicked. I chucked the dustbin over the bug and fled next door to my mum’s room. She came round to sort it out but it had disappeared. I did not sleep well that night.
• The next morning I saw Mr Roach scuttling around my sink. I got mad. I slipped a flip-flop off my foot and smacked it about. It hid behind a bottle of lotion so I squished it against the bottle. I heard its last squeals of agony. It dropped onto the side of the sink and scurried no more. Mum disposed of the corpse.
• In the early hours of day 3 I heard a loud yowling noise from outside my room. At first I wasn’t sure if it was a woman in the throes, or a large angry cat. Then I heard the pattering of feet above my ceiling. I left well alone. The next morning my mum reported hearing the same noises from her room, we felt that this wasn’t any ordinary cat, it was a duppy (A ghost in Jamaican slang) cat. (We were in Jamaica, and in Jamaica they believe in all manner of ghosts…) The cat returned several times and even banged on my door, but I didn’t move from my bed… not at 3am! The phantom cat(s) returned a few more times. Our cleaning lady revealed that some of the previous occupants of the room had started feeding the cats…
• I didn’t get many mossie bites for a few days, then they started appearing daily. On my last night I even had one on the sole of my foot, which was rather uncomfortable to walk on…
• I think I saw a scorpion in the hotel dining room, but the staff dispatched it quickly.
• I dreamed of a cockroach one night…
• Another bug met its demise under the sole of my flip-flop. As it was late and I was tired I left it on the floor and went to bed. In the morning it had disappeared… There was no chance of it having been brought back to life so I figured that the ants had had a nice late supper on me. It freaked me out a bit though.
• On day 11 there was a spider on the top of my four-poster bed. Mum got rid.

Family

Saw my relatives, which was nice. 12 years is a long time though, and we’ve all moved on.

Swag

I bought a lot of souvenirs and general jewellery, but hey, I’m worth it. I might show you some pics another time.

Romance

• My admirer kept in regular contact with me during my holiday, so I felt very well looked after.
• Somehow I was in a lot of demand by the general male population. Every day I met men who would express their desire for me; it was quite strange for a girl who feels quite invisible in London to suddenly be flavour of the month! I enjoyed it though!
• I had my usual thoughts of celibacy every couple of days.
• On day 7 the hotel had a steel band playing reggae classics after dinner. I had a poignant moment when Just Don’t Wanna Be Lonely came on. That song always gets me:
  

  I’d rather be loved and needed
  Depended on to give a love I can’t give
  When you’re gone, when you’re gone
  I just don’t want to be lonely

• I dreamt of my ex on day 7. I dreamt that he wanted me back but I kept on avoiding him.
• Uncle L met a lady at the hotel. They ended up chatting at the hotel bar until the early hours, then she turned up on our day trip to Ocho Rios. She seemed nice, if a bit dim and talkative. Mum and Aunt P did not like her for she committed the ultimate sin of “chatting too much”. It did get irritating after a while though, as she felt the need to comment on every single thing she saw or experienced. Is it ironic for a blogger like me to say that?? A couple days later and he had gone off her. It’s true that love is a battlefield, but it didn’t stop us teasing him about it - he’ll never live that down!

The End

• Pandemonium. Packing was like a military campaign. Everyone was scheming for room to pack their essentials (yams, mangos, breadfruit), suddenly I was everyone’s best friend. Alas, my suitcase was too small to contribute to the group’s packing, much to everyone’s dismay.
• We had to check out of our rooms at noon, and wait around until it was time to go to the airport. Unfortunately the shuttle service which had been booked to take us to the airport did not turn up. Somehow the manager managed to move heaven and earth to find a couple of buses to get us there on time. The guy who drove us to the airport was a speed fiend, I’ve never seen driving like that before - it was amazing, like an action movie. We were on a big bus (anyone remember Speed) but he overtook everybody on the road. It was clear that he knew the roads like the back of his hand, he knew every corner and bend. The climax of the scene was when some idiot slowed down to turn without indicating, our driver performed an emergency stop, then when the berk had moved started the engine again and carried on as before. Someone needs to give that guy a job as a stunt or racing-car driver!

Conclusions

• Overall it was a good holiday. The first week was hard work, but I think we all chilled out by the second week.
• Jamaica is a beautiful place, but I feel that its greatest asset is its people. They are charming, clever, hospitable and funny.
• There’s still a lot of poverty in Jamaica, but there are opportunities for development, especially in the area of tourism.
• I definitely want to return to Jamaica before another 12 years has gone past. Maybe next year…?

And lastly

A lovely pic of us at Blue Mountain (where they make the famous coffee). If you look closely on the left side you’ll notice some unnecessary nudity… By the way, I’m the girl in the yellow t-shirt.

Written by PJ | Posted in Uncategorized

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