This week has been rather uneventful, but my mind has been racing with random thoughts anyway. I was really bored at work on Tuesday, and I couldn’t wait to get out of there at 5pm.
It’s a nice job, but I’m not sure how long I’m going to be content there. Everyone is trying so hard to be diplomatic and “nice” that it is starting to feel fake. Counsellors are people, and people have feelings and opinions. Sometimes you just have to say how you feel, rather than trying to spare the other person’s feelings. Just to be clear, I’m not talking about the actual counselling sessions, I’m talking about the way that the counsellors and admin staff interact with each other. I guess that every workplace has its issues and ways of dealing with them. Being a part-timer and still quite a newbie, I guess I’m more sensitive to the tensions in the air.
I’m still thinking about starting my own business. My ideas have included selling stationery, sex toys, books and/or other things that enthuse me. I made about £2000 selling my music gear on ebay a couple of years ago, which was a lot of fun.
My love-life is still a barren desert, and the married man is only a mirage. At times I think that I would like to be caught up in a romance, but I also feel like I have so many issues to resolve before I’d be ready for a serious relationship. On the other hand, everyone has issues, and maybe the right guy could help me to overcome them.
I’m still not writing, but I’m reading a lot. And I’m learning a lot as I read about what I like to read and what I’d like to write eventually. Last night I won an ebay auction for an Alphasmart Neo, a word processor which has been used by lots of writers. Unlike my laptop, all it can do is show 6 lines of text at a time, so it doesn’t encourage editing/nit-picking. I’m planning to take it with me to Jamaica so I can write fluffy fic by the hotel pool.
Yesterday I saw Notes on a Scandal with Dame Judi Dench and Cate Blanchett. Both actresses were phenomenal – they embodied their characters completely. Overall I’d give the film 4 stars, but I had a few misgivings. I read the novel a few years ago and I think I preferred it to the movie in the way that it depicted Barbara’s (Dench) character. I didn’t like the way that Barbara was shown as a sex-starved lesbian who serially targeted women for her obsessive attentions – it felt like an easy way to explain her behaviour.
Another disturbing issue in the cinema was the strong body odour emanating from someone nearby. My eyes watered a couple of times. I couldn’t move because my seat was allocated and the cinema was full. Although the film was gripping, the smell was a unfortunate distraction at times.
My mother decided to take this week off work. She hadn’t booked time off, but as she felt a bit sniffly and fed up she decided to use some sick leave to chill out a bit. As I always say, I love my mum, but she is hard work sometimes. She get into moods and verbally lashes out at whomever she sees, then decides that everything is fine 5 minutes later. For someone like me who is a rather sensitive soul, it’s not so easy for me to forget her comments. Her current issue is that I need to lose weight for our trip to Jamaica. I would like to lose weight, but I don’t need her to tell me that. It’s my body, I know I need to lose weight – her comments only upset me even more. I’ve tried telling her this countless times but she can’t stop it. It’s her way of showing that she cares, but it just upsets me. The message I get is that it doesn’t matter how good I am as a daughter or generally as a person, I am fat so I’m not good enough for her. I wish I could move out. I need to work towards that aim.
I think I’ve being selling myself short in some ways. I’m in the prime of my life; I’m a nice girl, a good person, a good friend. I’m attractive. I think people see that when I don’t even realise it. I wonder why people are looking at me, when I should assume that they are curious about me or just think that I look interesting.
I came across this blog post today. There’s nothing there that I didn’t kinda know already, but it’s great to have it all there. I need a game-plan if I’m going to achieve what I want out of life.
To be continued.
